So, you’re facing the mammoth task of wedding planning. Not only is that endeavor in and of itself a bear to tackle, but you have the added burden of standards and ideas culture, society, and media have created and imposed upon us.
No pressure, it’s just things like your wedding day is supposed to be the best day of your life.
And things like what you have to do to avoid bad luck and garner good luck and check all the boxes of tradition and avoiding family drama.
And things like including the right people in your wedding party and having great food and a killer playlist.
And things like what color scheme and flowers you should choose because you want an aesthetic that’s to your taste but also not so trendy that your photos will look dated in a few years.
Oh, and there’s still a pandemic going on…
Wedding planning can be overwhelming. Even if you’re a naturally organized person, there is still SO MUCH to plan, arrange, and put together, especially if you’re doing everything without a professional wedding coordinator.
Also, it’s a mistake to think that having a smaller wedding means less work. You do the same amount of work, just on a smaller scale.
But, before you start researching courthouse marriages, you should know that you are absolutely capable to pulling off a beautiful wedding, doing it without a coordinator, and it truly being the best day of your life—all while keeping your sanity.
I know because I did it.
I had an extended period of wedding planning. My husband proposed to me the day before Christmas Eve in 2019, just a few months before COVID-19 took the world hostage.
Originally, our wedding date was in November 2020, but we postponed to the following year and then made another reschedule, which landed our Big Day in October 2021. Throughout this time, my planning went through a lot of evolution to accommodate the new wedding date, our pared-down guest list, and ever-changing Covid precautions.
One day I’ll write about what it was like to be a Covid-era bride, but right now, I want to outline my advice for brides who are approaching the task of planning their weddings—whether or not they’re doing it in the midst of a global pandemic. Since I know how easy it is to get caught up in the pre-wedding whirlwind, I want to share what I learned through my own not-so-typical experience.
These 8 tips will help you keep things in perspective through all the stress and craziness leading up your wedding day.
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Remember what really matters.
There’s a reason this is #1. It is the most important thing to remember because it’s essential to maintaining the right the mindset.
Forget the hype, the clichés, the Disney/Hollywood/fairy tale influences, the Pinterest boards. And, yes, forget your lifelong fantasy wedding visions.
Blame commercialism or whatever you want, but it’s apparent that fluff has overtaken the ultimate point of what a wedding is about and it often clouds our vision.
The whole point of your wedding is not so you can wear your dream dress and give an unforgettable party.
It’s about marrying the love of your life.
It’s about making the ultimate commitment to your partner with your closest friends and family bearing witness.
It’s about commemorating a watershed moment in your life; the beginning of a new chapter in which you join your life with your forever person.
It’s about vowing to your partner that no matter what life brings your way, you will face it together as a team.
When you remember this and keep it forefront in your mind throughout the process of planning, you can’t go wrong.
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Ask for help
I’m a perfectionist and independent to a fault. I’ve never had an easy time asking for help. It’s something I’ve bristled against since I was a small child. For one thing, I hate feeling incapable, but beyond that, if I do things myself, I’m assured that they’ll be done right. Or, more accurately, the way I want them.
Sound familiar?
When you have a vision, it can be hard to surrender any part of it into another’s hands. They may not “get it” exactly, and if you have to go behind them and redo things, that just makes more work for you, which is the last thing you need.
But, here’s the truth: wedding planning is a lot of work and when things get down to the wire, you will need help!
I don’t care how organized, diligent, or proactive you’ve been throughout your prepping journey, in the final days leading up to the wedding, a thousand little details will crop up and just about all of them will take more time than you expect.
That leaves you with one option: ask for help!
Moreover, people want to help you! No one expects you to do it all.
Of course, don’t have an entitled attitude and don’t expect your family and friends to take on more than is reasonable. But, if you approach things with humility and gratitude, chances are, you’ll get the help you need.
You will burn yourself out if you try to do it all. And, after all the work you put into this thing, you don’t want to be too exhausted to enjoy it.
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You’re not going to make everyone happy
While I’m very independent, I’m also a pleaser. I don’t like having people upset with me. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to learn to put boundaries in place to know when it’s okay to relent and when I need to assert my own will.
You need to do the same thing when it comes to making decisions for your wedding, because, honey, people have opinions when it comes to weddings!
Whether it’s the neckline of your dress or a song choice or whether you should wear Aunt Claudette’s gaudy jewelry or who will officiate the ceremony or whether you should include your dad’s boss on the guest list or how strict you should be with your Covid precautions—someone at some point will have strong feelings about something!
At the heart of this is the fact that everyone wants to feel included in the planning of an important event in your life. Which, is a good thing.
Though it’s difficult, try to keep that in mind when you feel yourself getting annoyed with overly-opinionated relatives and friends. Listen, give consideration, be flexible, but ultimately, you need to make choices that you are happy with and fit your vision for your day.
It’s a tricky thing to navigate, for sure. How do you know when to stick to your guns without delving into bridezilla territory? And how do you know when to concede to keep the peace without being a doormat?
Sadly, there’s no magical formula to determine this. You have to go with your gut, for the most part. If you have surrounded yourself with good people, don’t be afraid to ask for advice and counsel from someone you trust.
Through it all, try to be true to your best self. Stay gracious. Keep consideration for other’s feelings at the forefront. But, remember: you won’t please everyone.
Which leads us to…
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It’s all about you…up to a point
Girl, it’s your day! You are the star! You get to craft the wedding of your dreams! You call the shots!
Which means you can choose whether or not to be a nightmare to everyone.
While it’s definitely true that you won’t be able to please everybody with your wedding choices, you must remember that the only way your wedding will be all you want it to be is with the contributions of those who are part of the event.
Do a YouTube search for ‘bridezilla’ and you will find hundreds of videos documenting horror stories of deranged entitled brides who make the most outlandish demands. Everything from free photography to stipulating that all bridesmaids be a certain weight to expecting the wedding guests to pay for a multi-thousand dollar honeymoon to Europe.
Those are extreme examples, but it shows how far some will take the warped concept of their wedding being all about them.
What’s the use of having a great wedding if in the process you damaged relationships because of self-centered behavior? And keep in mind no one will be eager to celebrate with you on your big day if you’ve been a pain in the neck to everybody involved.
Make no mistake, at some point you will get stressed and frustrated and your nerves will be worn thin. You will likely have moments of human weakness where you get snippy and maybe even nasty when it all gets to be too much.
Take a breath and always be quick to apologize, if necessary.
And just know: things will go wrong. The more you resolve yourself to this fact and don’t hold on to expectations of absolute perfection, the better off you (and everyone around you) will be.
If you accept that there will be little problems, when the little problems come along, they won’t bother you so much and they’ll be easily forgettable.
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Involve people who are important to you
The guest list is often what causes the most dissent when planning a wedding.
Sit down with your partner and discuss standards and guidelines for choosing your wedding guests. Having these things in place will make the process much easier (and will also help if you get any pushback from family or friends wondering why so-and-so isn’t invited).
Our guest list went through major shifts, mostly due to the pandemic. We wanted our wedding to be an intimate affair. We also knew numbers needed to be low for safety. We had a relatively small list for our original wedding, but as the pandemic progressed and we went through two more wedding dates, we faced the reality of needing to cut our numbers down to the minimum.
Our final guest list ended up being only close family and wedding ceremony participants. It was certainly not an easy call.
This is the not-so-typical part of my wedding planning experience, but it showed me the importance of choosing the right people as your wedding guests. Since the people on our original list were all special friends to us, we knew they would be understanding of our circumstances.
And they were.
When you’re constructing your guest list, try to invite people who will enhance the meaningfulness and enjoyment of the day. Invite people you enjoy. Invite people who you know are rooting for you.
Granted, most weddings have a few token invites—that relative you can barely tolerate but have to invite or a close friend’s significant other who you don’t care for. Sometimes these situations are unavoidable. But, if most of the people there are special to you and you enjoy them, it’s easy to overlook the few duds.
Beyond and more important than the gust list, be picky about who you include in your wedding party and who is involved in your ceremony (readers, musicians, etc.). You need people who are not only important to you, but who are reliable and trustworthy. And don’t forget to involve people who make things fun.
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Make it personal
There are a lot of traditions for weddings. Some are fun, others are superfluous. Some are outdated and others just don’t make sense. The great thing about modern weddings is it’s acceptable to put your own spin on things.
Your bridesmaids don’t have to wear the same dress, or even the same color.
You don’t have to walk down the aisle to ‘Here Comes the Bride’ (I didn’t).
You don’t have to have a wedding cake if you prefer a different dessert.
Beyond adjusting things to your preferences, the more personal touches you incorporate into the ceremony and reception, the more significant things will be for you. Even if only you and your partner know about them, it adds something special.
Music is a great way to do this.
For the prelude, I chose several songs which had hidden meanings for us, like ‘Annie’s Song’ (my parents’ wedding song) and ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’ (our first date was to see a local theater’s production of ‘The Lion King’).
My husband and I both grew up loving the movie ‘The Sound of Music’, so we chose ‘Edelweiss’ for our mothers’ processional. And I paid homage to mine and my Dad’s shared love of Queen by choosing ‘You’re My Best Friend’ for our Father-Bride dance.
There were more, but you get the idea.
Add, omit, or adjust portions of the ceremony to fit your preferences and priorities.
We featured special readings to include a few close friends in our ceremony. We added in a family blessing and an affirmation of our community. And, instead of doing a unity candle or sand mixing, we chose to do an anniversary box love letter ceremony.
The more ways you can find to make the day personal, the more memorable and meaningful your wedding will be for you, your partner, and your guests.
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Check your priorities
It is incredibly important that you sit down with your future spouse and discuss what things are most important to both of you when it comes to your wedding.
Do you want to give your guests a meal they’ll never forget?
Do you want to have the party to end all parties?
Do you want your guests to think they’ve entered a floral wonderland?
Do you want your dress to be the main event?
The clearer your priorities, the easier it is to give more time, attention, and, yes, money to the things that matter most to you.
It is easy to go overboard on things that are important to you, so try to maintain a practical outlook. Also, take a hard look at any less-than-admirable motivators you may have.
Let’s be honest: your guests don’t care about the designer or brand of your dress. They don’t care about the size of your centerpieces. They don’t care if you have ice sculptures or not. And they don’t care if the music is live, from a DJ, or an mp3 player hooked up to a speaker as long as your have good music.
If you’re getting hung up on things like this while knowing this stuff doesn’t matter to your guests, ask yourself why it matters to you. Will whatever it is truly enhance your enjoyment, satisfaction, and the significance of the day for you?
Real talk: if the answer to why any of it matters to you has anything to do with posting about your wedding on social media, you need to revisit Tip #1. To be frank, social media presence should not be a concern when approaching your wedding.
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Keep it simple, beautiful
If you only want one attendant, have one attendant.
If you don’t want to worry about flowers, don’t have flowers. (I was a groomswoman in a wedding where we didn’t carry flowers and the décor was made up of antiques and old books).
If you want a quick ceremony so you can hurry up and party, keep the service bare bones.
If you don’t want to organize party favors, save yourself the time and expense.
When it comes down to it, outside of the actual legalities, there is very little that you have to do when it comes to a wedding. Make things easy on yourself by keeping the whole thing as simple as possible.
The Bottom Line
The main thing to remember throughout the craziness of planning your wedding is to keep your eye on the ultimate reason the wedding is happening. Remember that no matter what occurs or how much of your vision is realized or not, it won’t mean you’re any less married when all is said and done.
A wedding is a celebration, not an exhibition. It’s a chance to allow your favorite people to witness the joining of your life with your forever person. And it’s a hugely significant moment in your life for reasons that go far beyond any of the stressors you’ll encounter between “Will you marry me?” and “I do.”
Special thanks to Kim Lochner with Capture the Happiness Photography.