It’s generally accepted that asking a woman if she’s pregnant is a big no-no. For obvious reasons, it’s rude and can make things really embarrassing really fast for everyone involved. So, it’s best if you avoid asking or assuming altogether. That’s a pretty set standard of social interaction.
But, I submit it’s time we go a step further and make it as widely known and as widely accepted as rude behavior to ask a woman when she’s going to have children or even if she plans to have children.
Apparently, as soon as you get married, everyone expects you to pop out a kid like it’s next on your to-do list after applying for a name change on your social security card.
I speak from experience.
I’ve been married less than a year and have been asked about my reproductive plans more times than I can count. One of those times included the inquirer ticking all rudeness boxes by remarking on how my hips have grown and then assuming it’s because I’m pregnant. (No, Cheryl, I’m just an emotional eater who’s been really stressed out for the last three years.)
In fact, these questions started before I was married. A vivid memory that will stay with me is picking up my wedding dress from the seamstress a few days before my wedding and having her ask about my plans for a family. When I didn’t give her the affirmative answer she was looking for, she berated me and said, at the very least, my husband-to-be and I should adopt.
I really wanted to point out that she had next to no knowledge about mine or my fiancé’s financial, professional, or medical situations, so her standing there and admonishing me about such a life-altering step was more than a little short-sighted.
But, I didn’t. I held my tongue, smiled, and nodded, despite everything in me wanting to tell her she was out of line.
It’s been a while since that particular instance, but since then, I’ve been asked numerous times about my reproductive plans—one too many times, in fact.
Here’s why you should avoid asking a woman about her plans for having children
1. The answer is usually not a simple yes or no.
From my own experience, I know that unless the answer to the baby question is a resounding ‘Yes’ along with a prospective time frame, there’s an inevitable follow-up question as to why.
‘Whys’ in these situations are incredibly personal.
A woman may be unsure about whether or not she wants to have children for a number of reasons ranging from financial situations, career aspirations, living conditions, medical issues, an overtaxed planet, or general concerns about her ability to parent.
In light of recent events, depending on the state she lives in, a woman may decide pregnancy poses too great a risk, lest she develop a life-threatening complication and be unable to obtain critical medical care. Or lest a miscarriage lead to an invasive investigation for negligence on her part.
All of these are completely valid reasons and all of them are private and personal.
Nobody is owed an explanation. Nobody is entitled to know another person’s medical issues or their family’s history or the fact that they’re just getting by financially.
Any of these reasons could be the “why” and, frankly, none of it is your business.
So, to avoid overstepping the bounds of a person’s privacy, just don’t ask.
2. For some, the answer may be that they don’t want kids because they don’t want them.
And that is also 100% valid and 100% their right.
Yet, in the Year of our Lord 2022—after no less than 3 waves of feminism and 3 decades of stagnant wages—being childless by choice is still stigmatized. Women are labeled “selfish” for not wanting to bring children into the world, which is completely unjust and inaccurate.
What’s actually selfish is thinking you have a right to impose how you think another person should conduct their life when it has no affect on you whatsoever but would dominate every single aspect of the other person’s existence for at least 18 years.
Even if a woman says she has no plans for having children and gives a reason other than simply not wanting them, some will still throw the ‘selfish’ label at her (see seamstress incident).
This explains why being asked that question is uncomfortable for many of us and frequently means you won’t get an honest answer.
I’ve mastered giving as vague a reply as I can in order to avoid further prying questions or a lecture on how selfish I am and how I’m going to die alone with no one to care for me.
So, to avoid making things awkward and uncomfortable, just don’t ask.
But, everything described so far is still not the main reason why asking this seemingly innocent question is rude and insensitive. The main reason is this.
The choice to have children or not may not be one the woman can make.
A person’s decision to have children or not may have already been made—by nature.
For people encountering infertility, difficulty in conceiving, or primary infertility, is just one aspect of it. There’s also secondary infertility, which refers to a woman’s inability or difficulty in maintaining a pregnancy. Then there is the issue of male infertility. All these things are far more widespread than most people realize.
Take a look at these numbers:
- The World Health Organization states that infertility affects 186 million people, globally. That is 15% of couples.
- According to a 2021 study published by the National Library of Medicine, 23 million miscarriages occur each year worldwide.
- Cleveland Clinic states low sperm count affects 10% of men in the U.S.
- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) is a condition affecting 4-18% of women worldwide and is the leading cause of infertility in women.
It is not safe to assume that the person you are talking to does not fall into one of these categories.
To put the last point in perspective, for every 15 women you know, it’s highly likely at least one of them has PCOS. And while having PCOS does not always mean that a woman is infertile or destined to be childless, it often causes serious difficulties in conceiving and complications in sustaining pregnancy.
Infertility is a heartbreaking problem for those who desire to have children. Not only is it emotionally and mentally taxing, but for people who want to pursue medical assistance in trying to have a child, the endeavor is expensive. This only adds to the difficulty of the situation.
Asking a woman about her plans for having children is much more intrusive than you may think.
- You don’t know if that woman has been trying and struggling and doing everything she can to get pregnant and all without success.
- You don’t know if that woman has spent thousands of dollars on injections and drugs and treatments to help her conceive or sustain a pregnancy with no results yet.
- You don’t know if that woman and her partner have been following a scheduled regimen of having carefully-timed sex in an effort to conceive to the point that it’s all but killed any intimacy of the act for them.
- You don’t know if that woman’s inability to conceive is due to an issue with her partner’s fertility and is causing strain in their relationship as he struggles with feeling inadequate while she struggles not to feel resentment.
- You don’t know if the anxiety and agony of infertility weighs on her every minute of everyday.
You don’t know that your question isn’t adding to the pain and stress of her situation, however innocently you meant it.
I know that most people have good intentions and don’t mean to be rude. They don’t want to be hurtful or insensitive or intrusive. They’re just making conversation and showing interest in someone’s life.
But, however pure your motives, just don’t ask, okay?
If nothing else, the statistics mentioned earlier should serve sufficient to make you aware of the likelihood that the person you are talking to could very well be one of the millions of women who is suffering from some form of infertility. But, even if she isn’t, the question goes into territory that is incredibly, deeply, sacredly private.
There is nothing more personal for a woman than her reproductive life.
So, please, just don’t ask.